Understanding how your libido works is a powerful form of self-care and enhances solo and partner pleasure.
A spontaneous urge for sex is what we commonly see in most porn movies. Porn, in fact, is entertainment and shouldn’t be seen as educational. Most cisgender (women) get sexual desire when sexual activity starts, rather than feeling aroused by movies.
And let’s be honest, that’s not what we often see depicted in porn. It’s estimated that 15 to 20% of women get sexual desire in response to visual stimulation, whereas 75% of men experience sexual desire in this way.
What does that mean to us? It means that it’s important to understand the two distinct ways to get sexual desire, called responsive and spontaneous sexual desire.
Both sexual desires are equally healthy and pretty normal. Just because you don’t get spontaneous arousal, it doesn’t mean you’re sexually defunct.
Also, the way you get horny doesn’t measure sex quality either. Sex itself isn’t better because it starts with spontaneous desire. Enjoyment, in this case, isn’t connected to how it began.
Regardless of the statistics we shared above — 75% of men and 15 to 20% of women experience spontaneous desire — this number is not set in stone. It depends on the context, situation, energy, and so on.
In other words, sometimes they’ll experience more spontaneous desire, and other times the desire is more likely to happen responsively. Understanding your primal sexual desire will help you to spice things up when your libido is low.
For those folks whose sexual desire is responsive, there are few ways you and your partner can do to tap into it without waiting for spontaneous arousal to come.
Use Sex Products
You can lean on pleasure products to increase your sexual desire. Instead of going straight to the hot spots, start by playing around with it. Using the vibe on your chest, nipples, bum, and back are great places to start.
You can initiate sex regardless of your partner’s sexual desire. Another way is to take turns extending invitations to one another to have sex, in case you both experience different sexual desires.
Foreplay Can Be Your Best Friend
Things like long and passionate kisses, watching porn together, sensual massage, wearing a hot costume to your partner, hand play, and dirty talk are ways to get horny, and they can help you progress to sex.