Life has a way of doing the dirty on us, so if you promised to have and to hold, and were left holding the stinky diapers, you might be facing that complicated moment in so many divorced women’s lives: Getting back to the dating game.
And no matter long it’s been – 10, or 30 – things have been a-changing… It’s not the same world out there boys and girls, and it can be confusing and downright embarrassing to find you don’t have the skills to negotiate the treacherous waters of love in the 2020s.
No-One Talks Anymore
That’s right! No-one talks anymore. Look at your teens, they text all the time. They hardly ever actually TALK on their telephones.
So you’ll need to limber up your thumbs for those flirty exchanges. Never let anyone see you poking laboriously at your screen with a forefinger, caveman-style. Oops! Caverperson!
Texting & Sexting
So after you’ve managed to acquire the dexterity needed to send off 500-word texts a minute on your cell, you have to master the complex art of sexting. Yes, that’s a thing.
Nowadays most people meet on social media, and so instead of getting it on at the movies, or on the back seat of the car, they get sweaty and sticky doing something called sexting. Basically, they just describe in vivid detail what they want to do to you, and what’s happening to their own bods – and sometimes the descriptions can get a smidge TOO detailed.
The trick is to keep it light and flirty, and risqué. A bit like not letting the boy get his hands under your skirt, but letting him cop a feel over your bra… Of course, you might enjoy the virtual heavy breathing, so knock off his socks with some erotic innuendo.
Please remember though, THE INTERNET IS FOREVER so whatever you say, is going to be OUT THERE, and so will any nudie snaps you choose to entice your online flirt with.
Meeting & Greeting
So let’s imagine you start chatting to someone on social media, exchanging DMs or messaging on Facebook or Instagram, or maybe even some dating apps like Tinder, Bumble, or OkCupid. Sooner rather than later it would be wise to suggest a vid call, so you at least have some idea of who you’ll be meeting on a future real-live date.
When you set up your vid date, be sure to stress to your beau that you prefer that he attend fully clothed, and without any accessories, he feels enhance his already impressive attributes. You have no idea what’s out there…
Hooked On Catfishing
And that brings us to something know as CATFISHING. This is when someone misrepresents him or herself, posting someone else’s photo on their profile. Most catfishing is relatively harmless, and will quickly be exposed if you follow our advice and demand a vid call early on in the game.
If a prospective romantic interest finds excuses to avoid a face-to-face time-after-time, chances are he/she has, at best, set up a snap of some hot bod as their own, or at worse is setting you up for fraud.
If, at any time, even if it’s after a year, and the person you are having an on-line relationship with asks you for money because their granny/mother/parakeet died, block them immediately. NO MONEY! Repeat after me: NO MONEY. There are thousands of people out there targeting newbies to the online dating game.
A Real Date
So here you are…After a few weeks, you’ve actually progressed to a real, honest-to-goodness in-the-flesh date. Do not, under any circumstances, invite this person to your house, or even tell them where you live so he can pick you up “like a gentleman.”
Be an independent woman and meet him at a restaurant where your entire first meeting will be conducted in public. In fact, be very careful divulging personal information, least your sexter turns out to be a prospective stalker.
Be ready to pay for your own drink/lunch/dinner and leave at a moment’s notice. If he/she looks alright, and speaks coherently, by all means, continue with the encounter. If at any time he/she leans in and tells you they are looking for someone to join their necrophilia fantasies, dab at your lipstick with your napkin, and tell them you need to powder your nose, AND DON’T COME BACK.
The Sex Thing
So you make it through the first few dates, and things are looking hopeful, and then one night he or she hints at an overnight stay, WHICH IS NOT A PIJAMA PARTY. He or she will expect sex and lots of it.
Now, if you’ve been in a marriage, raising snotty nosed kids, with an ex who marshaled up a salute for the troops every six months, you might be in for a bit of a shock. Boy-oh-boy, have things changed!
Your new partner will not only perform with the enthusiasm and skill of a porn star, he or she will also expect you to be equally skilled. If you’re out of practice, say so. Present yourself as a shy quasi-virgin, ready to be introduced into the world of sensual delights by his/her masterful skill. Believe me, that’s irresistible, especially to the jaded seductor.
Just Say No
This brings us to the most important word in the dictionary: NO. If at any time anything starts happening that you are not comfortable with say “NO!” loudly. If he or she persists, repeat: “NO! I’m not comfortable with that, so please stop.” If they don’t stop, a knee to the groin or a deft twist to the testicles will emphasize your message. Do not agree to any visual or sound recording of your sexual encounters unless you want to be a YouTube star.
Don’t expect to meet your soulmate every time you make a connection, and you’ll be fine. There are people like you out there, looking for love, and if you sift through enough jerks, you’ll find Mr. or Ms. Right.
Go forth and conquer, but whatever you do, be careful out there.