Why Some Siblings Grow Apart, According to Experts

Some siblings are inseparable. Others barely talk beyond the holidays. According to experts, what determines the difference has less to do with love and more to do with several factors, from childhood favoritism to how far apart in age you are.

If you’re one of those people who grew apart from your siblings, turning into friendly acquaintances instead of best friends, you’re not alone. According to therapists, this is completely normal.

There are several factors that shape how close siblings become as adults. From parental involvement to shared milestones, these factors are instrumental in sibling dynamics.

Parental Involvement

It matters how parents nurture sibling relationships growing up, according to Erin Runt, a Chicago-based licensed therapist. If they encourage closeness early on, by letting their kids take activities together and teaching them to rely on each other, this can greatly influence the sibling dynamics that carry into adulthood.

Favoritism

Another major factor is favoritism. “Favoritism is one of the many things parents do, even if it's unintentional," says Karen Gail Lewis, a Washington, DC–based therapist and author. Parents who treat one child differently, by being more lenient, or through more praise and attention, can affect the seemingly unfavored child, which may lead to resentment. When this happens, it becomes harder for the siblings to build a close relationship.

Shared Life Milestones

Shared life milestones have a way of bringing siblings together. These milestones, such as having kids together, or getting married around the same time, can encourage siblings to bond about their experiences, seek advice from each other, or find common ground. This kind of connection facilitates closeness.

Age Gaps and Personality Differences

As one may expect, age gaps and personality differences also matter. Siblings who have large age gaps don’t tend to be close because they can’t relate to each other, according to Lewis. On the other hand, siblings who are close in age may bond easily, but this may also breed competition or comparison. As for personality clashes, an introvert and an extrovert, or a rule-follower with a risk-taker, can also make it difficult to form a natural bond.

Why Distance Becomes Estrangement

Once the sibling bond isn’t strong from childhood, this can lead to full estrangement. This isn’t uncommon, according to research, which suggests that roughly a quarter of people have been estranged from a sibling at some point.

Lucy Blake, a senior lecturer in psychology, who studies sibling estrangement, points to family trauma, parental divorce, and long-held grudges as among the common factors of complete estrangement. Blake says that when one sibling sides with an estranged parent over the other, it can drive the siblings apart.

Fern Schumer Chapman, who wrote about her experience of sibling estrangement in her book, "Brothers, Sisters, Strangers," also suggested that some families would opt to cut ties to avoid conflict instead of trying to resolve them.

How to Facilitate Reconciliation

Reconciliation takes time, and it is a process, according to these experts. To facilitate this, siblings must be willing to genuinely listen, empathize, and acknowledge each other’s hurts. Siblings must also be realistic about whether the repairing the relationship is healthy. In Chapman’s case, reconciling with her brother gave her closure, getting the answers to questions she had been asking for years.

There is no single formula for a sibling relationship to thrive. What matters, according to these experts, is finding the right one for the people involved.